Melinda-Jean

2006-05-17T20:20:00.000-07:00

If you could come clean about everything
it would be easy for you to be sorry
if you could see all the possibilities
we might not still be standing where we started

pictures from the birthday

2006-05-05T17:25:00.000-07:00

http://wwu.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2022349&l=b0c4d&id=25900394

again, a crazy night, a fun one. lots of fun.

i know you were wondering....

2006-04-24T23:59:00.000-07:00

You have 9 days until your next birthday !

spokane

2006-04-14T23:26:00.000-07:00

i'm alone, and i have a sinking feeling this is how i'll be spending the next year of my life, alone and forgotten. while the rest of you have lives and are moving on, i'll be stuck here, treading water. i'll be going nowhere and doing nothing. i love my family. and i miss them. but coming back here, ugh, it just spells failure to me. i should save money and move here, i know it wont be as bad as i think, and i know that bellingham isn't going to be great like i want it to be. but fuck, i dont know where i'm supposed to be or what i'm supposed to be doing.

this isn't home anymore.

but really, nowhere is.

and so life begins

2006-04-10T13:38:00.000-07:00

i kinda knew it was going to happen this way; i don't have stellar grades and i applied to the top 3 schools for what i wanted to do. it was bound to happen, i was just in denial. i didn't get in to any of the 3 grad schools i applied to, so now i have to figure out what i'm doing with the rest of my life.

no bread for the jew

2006-04-05T16:39:00.000-07:00

beginning next wednesday, april 12th, please remind me not to eat bread or leavened products for 7 days. the last time i ate bread during passover, i had horrible scary dreams and felt guilty about it.

and yes, i know i'm not a real jew, but i can still pretend.

typical me

2006-03-24T16:55:00.000-08:00

You have 41 days until your next birthday !

AND....

You have 78 days until Graduation!

she seems so distant

2006-03-18T10:36:00.000-08:00

winter quarter, come and gone. it's officially spring break, and its beautiful outside. i had stuff to write here, but now its gone. nothing really eventful in the past couple days, laid around the house for 2 days which was amazing. gotta work all week, but i'll have free time also, which will be nice. might take care of a few projects here. and hopefully read a book or 2. and yeah, classes next quarter are going to keep me busy. still waiting to get a response from gallaudet. still realllly dont want to move home to spokane.

this post is lame. i'll come up with something better later.

2006-03-16T11:00:00.000-08:00

i miss...

2006-03-13T23:59:00.000-08:00

i miss the friendships, the sunsets, the movie nights and drunken phone calls. i miss the way things used to be, when i meant something to someone, and we all used to hang out. i'm so scared every time i open that mailbox, who knows if today will be the day i get that last stupid letter. i just want to know. 2 finals and a project done, 2 more to go.

2006-03-01T00:18:00.000-08:00

remember when you cared?

see that line, well- i never should have crossed it...

2006-02-22T09:33:00.000-08:00

just like that, the feeling is back.

my head hurts. i haven't had a migraine like this in probably 2 years. its numbing my face, and making me want to scream.

that feeling in my stomach- it just came back to me. the one that tells me i'm not good enough and never will be. the one that makes me want to cry and forget about everything. i hate this so much.

i'm sorry for the person i became.

surviving.

2006-02-05T23:28:00.000-08:00

life is allright. nothing amazing. nothing horrible.

school is pretty much easy compared to the hell of last quarter. classes are allright, 2 csd classes that i should put more time into, but i'm not. and 2 psych classes that are allright.

i'm really sick of the weather up here lately. this winter- no snow, too much wind, lots of rain. i can't handle the wind-rain combination. it just seems worse this year than ever before.

i haven't cried in a while. which is really good. i'm taking a lot better care of myself, keeping busy with school, working out, and both jobs. which are still lame. there are still lonely nights and sad moments, but i guess i'm used to them now, so they aren't as bad. or maybe they truly aren't as bad anymore.

i have 2 really important grad school applications to mail this week. but before i can mail them, i must complete them. yeah... about that. then its just a waiting game. hopefully before spring break i will have answers. that whole "what am i doing after graduation" question seems to keep getting brought up, and my answer is still "i dont know what i'll do if i dont get into grad school", though i do know the answer, i just don't want to deal with it. i really hope that this summer i can get out of here, and go SOMEWHERE- anywhere. i'd love to go to Israel, or Europe, or even just somewhere warm for a week of vacation. we will see if that happens.

truthfully, i'm scared. but the little things get me through the days and make me happy.

2006-02-02T21:38:00.000-08:00

Well that is that and this is this. You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.

You get away from me.

2006-01-16T23:12:00.001-08:00

i've made up my mind to end this pain, and find something better someday. not now, but someday. i have hope, it will happen.

new things, old thoughts

2006-01-10T00:19:00.000-08:00

i have the new Rocky Votolato CD.
i have slept more in the last 3 weeks than i have in years.
i have 3 grad school applications to finish.
i finally have all the alone time i've ever wanted. and i hate it.

i'm lonely. i'm scared. i'm sick of sleeping and sick of thinking. i hate eating alone, and i hate being alone. i'm sick of this room, and sick of pretending that everything is okay. because everything isn't okay. if i dont think about it, i dont get this way. but i finished my book i was reading, and now i have nothing to do, but sit here and think too much. thats why i sleep. so i dont have to think or feel.

i'm sorry.

2005:the year of poor choices

2006-01-01T02:10:00.000-08:00

so its over. the big fantastic year that was 2005. i turned 21. i moved off campus. i got real health insurance. i did not go to texas or california. i did not go camping. i did not take better care of myself, and i certainly was not less of a bitch. so that leaves a lot of room for improvement in 2006.

what did i learn this year? a few things...
-i can't cook. at all.
-sleep really isn't ever necessary
-the drive from bellingham to spokane can be done in 5.5 hours.
-never take for granted the people you care about the most, before you know it they are gone.
-working 2 jobs sucks.
-living with guys is quite the adventure
-wrestling is pretty cool, and totally real, and very painful.
-weddings and children are all very overrated
-went to federal way and tacoma with the Harrey sisters

music that got me through the year: (songs and albums)
Death Cab for Cutie-Plans
Plain White Tees-All that We Needed
Jimmy Eat World- Futures
josh gracin- stay with me
Kenny Chesney-anything but mine, keg in the closet
Relient K- Who i am hates who i've been
Maktub- Say what you Mean
Howie Day- Collide
Hot Hot Heat- Goodnight, Goodnight
Foo Fighters- Best of You
Fall Out Boy-Take This To your Grave
Copeland- Beneath Medicine Tree
and more...but those are the most played, or songs and artists that stuck out in my mind

the year of poor choices. yes. a lot deal with alcohol- the nights with the shot-glass checkers set; the 21 run, driving home drunk from the bars that one night...

i fought with my mom for the first time in a long time in 2005. i went to court for her and helped her win a lawsuit. i bought a new car. i bought a new bed. it snowed in bellingham. i was in a wedding. i went to 3 others. one of my friends had a baby. one of my friends lost their dad.

i made some really poor choices and almost lost my closest friends. i swore up and down i would change, and i didnt. and it hurt them a lot. i'm still sorry.

so the year of 2006...
-apply to grad schools
-find out if i got into any of them, possibly move to St. Louis, Seattle, or Washington, DC
-quit wal-mart (i really hope)
- possibly go to israel
-GRADUATE COLLEGE (holy crap!)
-lose weight
-figure out who i am, and what i want in life
-be in a boat of some sort in bellingham bay (preferably a sail boat, at sunset, but a kayak would be cool also)
-go to Mt. Baker at least once
-watch a sunset from Boulevard Park on my last night in town
-expand my "south of seattle" travels further
-be nicer
-work less
-stress less (haha, never going to happen)

i'm tired. thats all i have right now. i thank you all for sticking with me through everything in the past year and others. i love you all and i am so lucky to have friends like you.

-mindyb

coming soon

2005-12-29T13:15:00.000-08:00

year in review, as per the usual.

2005-12-16T00:32:00.000-08:00

i'm scared that i will never become the person that i want to be.

once again, this is my story

2005-11-22T22:44:00.000-08:00

venturing over to spokane for a few hours wed-thursday. then back for work fri-sat-sun. and lots of paper writing.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. eat lots of food and watch lots of football, and enjoy your families!

2005-11-12T11:11:00.000-08:00

...because then you’ll see my heart in the saddest state it’s ever been.

Sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I’m ready to try and never become that way again
because who I am hates who I’ve been.

update (in list order)

2005-11-05T23:29:00.000-08:00

1) blink182 has a new song, and i like it.
2) i've never hated the weather up here as much as i do lately. the cold, rain, wind and constant darkness are just too much. i need a couple days of sunshine. or even grey skies, but no rain or wind.
3) school + work = sucks.
4) work= sucks
5) my electric blanket is now my favorite christmas present in a long time. it is a lifesaver here in this house at night.
6)no school friday! yay!
7) took the GRE's, they went allright. i might re-take them, i dont know yet. now its a search to see if i can even get into a grad school ANYWHERE with the grades i have. ha.

its bed time.

whoops

2005-10-23T02:09:00.000-07:00

i'm drunk. cwety drunk. its been along time since i posted this drunk. i really like this feeling. its fun. i'm nubme. i'm, dubme. yup. work wil suck tomrrow. oh goodness oi'm leaning to the sdie. this is trouble. wooooooooooooooooooo.. uh ohhhhhh, wrk tomorrow, homework, hangover. oh dear. i lvoe this feeling., how did i get this drunk? i dton rewmeber. goodnight. i'm too drunk to sit upright. time to passssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss out. yes!

the sloppiest bitch ever
=mindyb

this is never good

2005-10-20T23:50:00.000-07:00

it happened today. out of nowhere. the blue screen of doom.

reward for each of these that i get back

2005-10-18T06:30:00.000-07:00

Drivers license
Western ID
Costco card
anything else i am missing.

for EACH one of those i get back, there is a reward for whomever returns it. the sooner the return, the better the reward. happy hunting

2005-10-17T16:49:00.000-07:00

i found my Western card. well, i found one of them. this makes me excited. the $5 reward still exists for the recovery of my other Western card.

i work from 6-11pm tonight and tomorrow. and i realllllly don't want to. i hate it there. i really hate it. i hate that i can't bring myself to quit. i really should. (quit, that is)

last week several important things happened.
a) i turned in my application to graduate in june. pretty excited about that.
b) i went to Tacoma. you all know my very limited travel experience with "anything south of seattle". but alas, i set out on a journey, with my "south of seattle" guide Stefani, and we went to not only Tacoma, but Federal Way, Fife, and other cities/ towns along the way.

ummm, so i guess it wasn't several things, it was just 2 things important that happened last week.

the weather sucks right now, according to me. others around like the non-stop rain, but i hate it.

i take the GRE's next week. i'm doomed.

2 updates in one day? holy toledo batman!

2005-10-06T21:43:00.000-07:00

so apparently the spam people have found my blog. and so i had to turn on "word verification" for comments. this means that when you make a comment, you have to verify the little word in the box. hopefully after a couple days i can turn this off and the robots will leave me alone.

i like this one

2005-10-06T17:46:00.000-07:00

Anonymous said...
emo is in and mindy is hot
5:03 PM

There is a beauty in confusion...

2005-09-22T19:08:00.000-07:00

i gave up on wireless. or perhaps it gave up on me. either way, i have internet in my room now. it took almost ruining my entire computer, a few trips to best buy, and some un-needed stress, but i think it's all okay now. and that makes me happy.

the house is good. i am much happier living off campus- less stress, no 18 year olds to babysit. it's nice to have more than just one room to live in.

school this quarter will be allright. nothing seems too bad, yet. there will be a lot of research and paper writing, a few presentations, but probably not much reading. i really like my on-campus job and my new co-workers. its fun, kinda hard sandwhiching work and classes, but it makes the day go by quickly.

i thought i'd have more to say tonight, but i dont. i got very used to not having the internet, and i still dont have a tv in my room, so my knowledge of the world has decresead dramatically. soon though, i'll have a tv in my room and will then be able to watch the news and cnn and real world.

i'll try and update more. that is, if i have anything worthwhile to say.

in case you were wondering

2005-09-06T18:49:00.000-07:00

no, i'm not dead. or kidnapped. or missing. we don't have internet (or cable) at the house till the 13th, so i'm MIA from the internet for a while. i'm working, and doing a whole lot of nothing. the house is good, bellingham is warm and sunny, and thats about it. best way to find me is to call me. you should know the number.

Thanks for that summer, it's cold where you're going; i hope that your heart's always warm

2005-09-03T23:44:00.000-07:00

so here it is. midnight on my last night in spokane for the summer. or forever. who knows. am i coming back here next summer? i don't know. the next few months will decide pretty much the rest of my life, and that scares me to death. GRE's, graduation, grad school-or not, all will be figured out in the next 9 months.

so about this summer. it wasn't the summer of sobriety. it wasn't the summer of jaw surgery and recovery. it wasn't a summer of swimming at the lake and getting sunburned. but it was a lot of fun.

3 weddings, 1 funeral. no babies. no major disasters in my life. a few trips to bellingham. a few drunken nights with friends. a lot of work. a lot of time at home with my sister. a lot of fighting with my mom. a lot of house-sitting. a new harry potter book came and went. a couple sunburns and a couple nights of tears. sky-high gas prices.

i'll miss the freedom, the fun, the closeness and the convenience of being at home. i'm not ready for summer to be over. i still feel like it should be 90 degrees and i should be out in the backyard. or at the lake. or at lindsey's apartment swimming.

i figured out some important things this summer. i survived being in my first "real" wedding. i washed my car a lot, and ate a lot of chicken.

i'm scared to death for a lot of things that are about to happen in my life and in the world. its going to be a good year, i'm excited for the house, senior year of college, and new adventures.

here are some songs that will make me think of this summer
*Come Back to Texas- Bowling for Soup
*I will Follow you into the Dark- Death Cab
*Don'tcha- Pussycat Dolls
*Something More- Sugarland
*Stay with Me- Josh Gracin
*Best of You- Foo Fighters
*Like a Lifetime- Better than Ezra
* you and me- lifehouse
*listen to your heart- DHT
*These Words- natasha Beddingfield
*vacation- The go-go's
*Bloc Party
*Something about Riding Alone- Buffalo Jones
*The Matthew Lindley Mistake

bored and tired

2005-08-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

one week left in spokane. i'm moving back to bellingham either next sunday or monday. i'm pretty darn excited to get out of town and up there. i start work at the W-M on tuesday, and then at school the following week.

guilty pleasure- being totally caught up on Laguna Beach episodes

current stressers- the GRE, thinking about grad school and how i'm not going to get in, my mom successfully screwing up my life with her trial

i think its bedtime. i work at 645am all week, so the more sleep, the better.

will i even have cable?

2005-08-19T23:10:00.000-07:00

season three of the OC starts Thursday, September 8th.

2005-08-17T22:31:00.000-07:00

so whats new? not much. things are allright here in spokane. nothing too exciting, which is good. i'm still working lots. we had some excitement last week with a bunch of fires burning in my neighborhood, couldn't get home for a few hours. it still smells like burned stuff. summer is almost over... kinda sad, kinda happy about it. i'm really excited for living in the house next year. next year...which is actually about 2 weeks away. yay for that.

other news- i'll be selling my soul to the devil, in bellingham. the wal-mart there called and they have a spot for me to work, not sure where, but i'll be there probably saturday's and sundays, to make money and pay the bills, and not be a poor college student. or at least, not be living off student loans to pay rent and stuff.

i'm boring, i know. sorry.

had a bad day again

2005-08-02T23:15:00.000-07:00

today goes down as one of the unhappiest days ever at wal-mart. not only was i overly tired, i felt sick. we were understaffed (as usual), crowded, and oh yes, the SPAWN OF SATAN decided to try and kill me today. its a lame, long story. but it ended with me breaking down into tears and shaking so hard i couldnt talk, walking away from the front end, twice in tears, and a statement given to the police.

oh, and the bellingham wal-mart, they won't hire me. awesome. now i HAVE to find a second job up there. boo for that.

if only

2005-08-01T23:36:00.000-07:00

if i had internet access at work, this post would have been made hours ago, and full of rage. but since we dont, and even if we did, i wouldnt have time to post, i'll just describe the day that was August 1st, 2005 at wal-mart. (and in general)

7am- alarm goes off- i have to take my sister to day camp. she is the SLOWEST child ever and it takes forever to get anything done
8am- trying to get Celeste to eat breakfast, get ready and out the door
8:10am- still trying to leave the house. she has to be at camp at 8:30, and its about 25 minutes away, and i'm getting annoyed
8:30- somehow i got her to camp on time. next stop, wal-mart to pick up cheap school supplies while they are in stock and before it gets crowded
10am- i'm back home, and have a project- cleaning out my old file folders and putting them in my newly purchased file box.
3pm- the dreaded time has come- time to work. its crowded in the parking lot, which means its crowded inside.
315pm- up front now, running my head off, and i really dont even know what is going on. i notice that breaks are running late, lines are long, things are a mess, and my store manager is bugging me to get the lines down.
5pm- things are slower now, but its a mess up front. i spend the next 30 minutes collecting things that were strewn about and getting ready for the 6pm rush
6pm-all hell breaks loose. i'm the only CSM up front, we have late breaks/ lunchs, long lines, and nothing can be done. welcome to walmart folks.

**7pm** i'm supposed to be on my lunch. but i'm at the Customer Service Desk clearing out returns. i notice a woman crying and sitting on a bench. she is talking to a man, i kinda keep an eye on them, to make sure everything is allright. she gets up to leave, and falls down, is shaking uncontrollably and can't breathe. immeadietly i call for management, and then grab a phone to call 911. we have to close the front doors and stop using the Service Desk, due to paramedics and such, and boy oh boy. i caught a LOT of crap about that. oh I"M SORRY, you can just step right over the woman who is receiving CPR and return whatever it is you dont even have a receipt for, and bought 2 years ago... ASShole.

8pm- i went to lunch and came back, its a freaking zoo up front. the 2 CSM's that were off at 8 didnt do any of the breaks, or send people home, or plan for anything else. we needed change, it was a mess again, and yup, they just walked off the job and went home. THANKS. my coworker and i manage to fix it all, though people got off late.

10pm- i realize that we aren't getting out on time tonight, there are massive carts of returns and merchandise to be put away, both the salaried managers are busy with a shoplifter (got to call the cops for that one also), so i am in charge. its about this time i realize, DANG IT, i have to be back here at 630am to open tomorrow. YUCK. i hate walmart.

there were so many stupid people i dealt with today. and so many rude people. and so many nasty people. i hate the 1st of the month. everyone gets their welfare money, their SSI, their social security, their military and every other kind of money. they come to walmart. they bring all their screaming children. they are rude. 5 years i've been doing this. i hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay, thanks for reading. i'm going to bed now. i'm going to be super tired in the morning.

bellingham (aka what happens when i drive across the state 2 times in one weekend and have too much time to think)

2005-07-25T11:39:00.000-07:00

everytime i leave that town, i feel like i'm leaving a piece of me behind. i've only just realized how much i like it there... the town, the atmosphere, the neighborhoods, my favorite places to eat, downtown. i miss it there, and almost wish i had stayed the summer instead of coming to spokane. but i'll be living there soon enough and that will be fun. the house is good times, we got all the boy's stuff out of their apartment and into the house. i got to be cool and drive a U-haul truck around. at first, it was scary. but soon, i liked it. i think i'll quit school and become a long-haul truck driver. it could be fun. as my mom said "you like to drive long distances, you like to be alone, you can drive forever without stopping for the bathroom, you are perfect!" ummmm, thanks for the encouragement.

here are some things i learned while driving this weekend... Grant County (in the middle of the state) is the "Nations leading potato producing county"... this is posted on a roadside sign, and its HUGE. why on earth would you post that fact on the side of the highway? kinda made me wonder, since i'd always thought of Idaho as the nation's leading potato producing state, so i would think they would have a county that would do the same? but apparently not.

on the subject of crops, there are currently 6 different crop names in the fencelines in the Columbia Basion Federal Conservation area (the middle of the state right before the Gorge, where the government spent millions of dollars to irrigate the desert land into crops) in case you are wondering the currently labeled crops are : sweet corn, grain corn, alfalfa, timothy hay, peppermint and POTATOES. (like, 7 fields worth!)

yeah- it is a pretty boring drive. i listen to country music, drive way too fast and think way too much. i did get here in only 5.15 hours last night though, which is almost un-heard of. traffic was light, and i went about 85 the whole way. good times. i don't mind the drive so much, just the high cost of gas right now makes it a little less convenient to be over there that often. I'll be moving my bedroom and furniture over there soon, probably within the next few weeks. then, i'll be in the house for good probably around the 1st of September.

no more house-sitting for me, so i lost the high speed internet. the nice thing about it is i dont have a stupid dog or annoying cat to take care of, but now i'm back to playing "mom" for my 8 year old sister.

i think its time to go clean the house, make some lunches and get ready for another 40 hours of fun at wal-mart this week.

2005-07-20T22:54:00.000-07:00

i think i might hate everything right now. pretty sure its a passing feeling. but still....

more pics

2005-07-19T22:27:00.000-07:00

me and my mom!
tyler was real drunk...

wedding pictures

2005-07-17T20:19:00.000-07:00

me and shawn, the guy that was getting married
me, nicki, lindsey (the bride) at the rehearsal dinner

nicki, lindsey, me, right before the wedding

one more day of vacation

2005-07-17T12:16:00.000-07:00

so the wedding, is OVER! no more planning, calls, dresses, fights, drama, or any of that. it was fun, it was really pretty, saw a few people from high school i hadn't seen in 3 years. danced a lot, babysat the drunks all night, laughed a lot, and even cried a little. i got bitch-slapped 4 times last night, i wasn't pleased with that. stupid drunk friends.

now, for my last day of "vacation" from work, i'm going to be outside in the wonderful sunshine reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, and helping around the house. starting tomorrow its back to work again.

i'm in probably one of the best moods i've been in for a long time. i hope that it sticks around.

things coming in the near future- jaw surgery and the moving process to bellingham to the house! so excited for that (well, not the surgery, but the house, yes)

it's been a little while

2005-07-12T20:49:00.000-07:00

i said i'd update more, but i haven't been. let's see.....

work- i've been on a little rampage at work kicking ass and taking charge, since nobody else around there does shit. apparently its NOT okay for me to call in, but in the past 2 days, 2 other people that are my coworker's have called in, and another 2 have left after 1 or 2 hours of work. its pretty much bullshit. i continue to hate wal-mart. i HAVE to find some other kind of job next year, i don't want to have to deal with this stuff year round. i don't think i could handle it. but luckily i work tomorrow, then i have 4 days off. 2 of which are paid. even better.

last weekend- took a spur of the moment road trip to the other side of the state. it was fun, even though i had to leave early. we started the moving process of getting stuff into the house and out of the boy's apartment... i'm really excited for the house and to not be on campus all the time. and i won't be an RA anymore- i can't wait!

this weekend- i'm in a wedding. kinda weird that the 2 girls i have called my best friends in life will both be married. (stefani in texas and lindsey up here) the more i think about weddings, the more i'm not sure i like them. its just kinda weird...why go through all the stress and stuff, just to have people watch you make something official. i mean, lindsey and shawn have been living together for a year, the only thing that will change after saturday is her name, and their insurance. i guess the wedding thrill is gone, after the 3 i've been to this year, and the other ones i'm going to. i dunno. i never grew up planning my wedding, or dreaming about it. perhaps when your mom raises you single and tells you that marriage is worthless and you watch her go through 2 failed marriages, it loses it's appeal...?

other things- i dont know. i'm just really tired. i've been working 10 hours a day this week, and that makes me tired. oh, yes- update on the "summer of sobriety"- yeah, i failed miserably at that. though i've been the DD twice now and not gotten drunk in public, i've not been sober all summer. oh well.

OH- within the next month i'm having my major jaw surgery. more info to come on that. i think thats all i have for now. sorry i'm kinda boring, and bitch a lot.

come back to texas

2005-06-30T00:05:00.000-07:00

So when your done doing whatever
and when your through doing whoever
you know Denton County will be right here waiting for you....

Come back to Texas
Its just not the same since you went away
Before you lose your accent
and forget all about the Lonestar State
There's a seat for you at the rodeo
and I've got every slow dance saved
Besides the Mexican food sucks north of here anyway

i bet she misses the sunrise
and misses the fruit flies
but i could be wrong

There's a seat for you at the rodeo
and I've got every slow dance saved
Besides the Mexican food sucks north of here anyway

Troy Aikmen wants you back
Willie Nelson wants you back
NASA wants you back
and the Bush twins want you back
and Pantera wants you back
and Blue Bell wants you back

I got a premonition
I'm taking a petition
and the whole state's gonna sign

Come back to Texas
Its just not the same since you went away
Before you lose your accent
and forget all about the Lone Star State...

um, ouch?

2005-06-29T00:39:00.000-07:00

today i was at work. i was going outside to help push carts in, since we had none inside and it was rainy, and we needed some inside. as i was going outside, something very bad happened. ya know the little door that the carts go through? i was going out of it, quite quickly i might add, and BAM, smashed the top of my head into the metal door frame. holy crap. i have not felt pain like that in a very long time. it knocked me on my ass for a minute, and yeah, swelling instantly ensued.my head hurts like hell right now. and all day i've not felt good. everything seems really really loud, and my head, yeah it hurts. i looked up information abuot concussions, i dont think i have one. but i dont know. if the pain is this bad tomorrow i'll go to the doctor. so yes, thats my injury/ dumbass move of the day.

i dont feel good

2005-06-25T00:12:00.000-07:00

yuck. everything hurts right now. not in the normal way i mean. i mean that physically i dont feel good. my eyes sting, my throat is achy, my glands are swollen (and have been), my jaw hurts, my shoulders ache, yuck. there's this gross feeling in my stomach, like a tightness, but its not. i just want to cry. i don't feel good. and i hate it. i hate being alone. i hate this summer. i hate work. i hate my house. it sucks around here. i'm so pissy lately. like, i have caught myself being in really bad moods, out of nowhere. its weird. i'm tired. but i hate my bed. the couch now sucks, so that doesn't help. yuck yuck yuck.

wedding #1 is tomorrow. i'll know a total of 5 people there. i'm going single. awesome. can't wait. wedding #2 is about 3 weeks away. finally got my dress all hemmed and taken in and sewn back together. thats good. whatever. so much unnecessary drama with that. Wedding #3 might not happen- its in late august, i might have moved to the other side of the state by then? not too sure.

um, yes, i feel like yuck. not like death, theres no fever- thats when i start to feel like death. i suppose i should go try and sleep or something.

future updates will happen more frequently, i promise.

2005-06-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

sitting here, my room is pretty much empty. i've just got to load up my car with everything that is going home with me tomorrow. for some reason, i am numb. i can't figure out what is going on. i'm leaving in a little more than 12 hours. but it doesnt feel like it ever has before. nothing seems the same, yet it all is. i'm going home to work, see the same people, do the same things i've done for the past 2 summers. i still dont know where i'm living next fall and that is really really stressful. i dont even know what to think about all that. finals were allright. today's test was hard. a lot harder than i had expected. but its over. and so now i get to spend the summer doing GRE prep work, and figuring out this grad school stuff.

so do i have any grand, amazing thoughts on the past 10 months? nope. not really. it was a year. much like other years, i laughed, i cried, i worked too much and complained just as much. no major disasters happened this year in my life, not even many minor ones. i spent a lot of time trying to figure things out, only to realize there wasnt a point. and i'm okay with that.

pretty much, i'm just tired. this has been a long year, and i'm glad its over. mostly just becuase i'm sick of classes. i'm going to miss the boys, just like i did last year, and i know i'll even miss some of the nash kids. but for now, i'm just ready to figure out getting all my stuff home, starting work on monday, and ummmm, next fall.

ps: i just came across this on my MSN homepage. quite fitting for today (though most horoscopes can fit anything at any time)
"As you know, dear Taurus, you have reached a turning point in your life. The hardest part about making this decision is, as usual, saying farewell to your old ways. The past can seem so cozy and reassuring, especially when the unknown looms. It takes strength and determination to leave it behind. But whether it is a matter of your career or your love life, you have personal goals that cannot be sacrificed or denied."

Fuck, this hurts so much.

2005-05-29T01:35:00.001-07:00

"I know it hurts. But it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we got."

things i like tonight

2005-05-17T23:39:00.000-07:00

1.the word squamous. as in "a fracture of the occipital or squamous portion of the temporal bone may involve the otic capsule"

2. large marshmallows. i dont know when the last time i had them was, but tonight, i had a couple, and they were good.

3.rain. though it didnt rain tonight, i have enjoyed the rain from the past couple days. its a nice change, and it makes my allergies not-so-bad.

tired and rambling

2005-05-15T23:46:00.000-07:00

i'm tired. i don't want to sleep. sleep means that monday will come faster. monday's are the worst. but tomorrow is one of 3 mondays left in the quarter that involve class-like things. (since the 29th is a holiday).

this part of the quarter is always the hardest for me. a lot of people i know in other parts of the country and state are out of school for the summer. it's about this time i realize several things. A)school is almost done for the year, which is good. b) school is almost done for the quarter and that means i'm about to get really busy with stuff C) summer is coming and i'll get to go home and make money again d) summer is coming and that means i'll be alone a lot again.

oh and yeah, theres that whole issue of finding somewhere to live for next year. thats getting to be stressful. this week i'm going into at least 2 real estate offices to get actual listings and set up times to look at houses.

this weekend, i demonstrated moderation and self-control. i made good choices and didnt do anything that i regretted in the morning. (unlike the past few times i've been drinking and been extremely stupid)

i wasted today as far as productivity goes, i should have gotten a lot more done. whoops. i'll just have to do more later on this week. 2 more tests this week, a research paper due friday, and a huge presentation next week that i need to get going on.

i had a weird dream last night. it involved babies with weird heads, thunderstorms, my friend lindsey and her boyfriend shawn, and a camp counselor of mine from when i was 14. yeah, it was weird.

highlight of the weekend- the singing in the car last night to "Copa Cabana"- it is fast becoming one of those moments that i can think about and just smile.

drunk

2005-05-08T11:17:00.000-07:00

that was how i spent my 21st birthday night. drunk. beyond drunk. i don't remember about 80% of the night, and that scares me. i also know that i probably don't want to know the things i did or said. people were talking about it the next day on campus.

Team Rocket of course gave me the best birthday possible. they made spectacular cakes and got some really good presents that will have lots of use. They took me out to dinner and put up with the most ridiculous behavior i've ever displayed.

here is what i remember drinking:
-the Boundary Bay sampler (not even close to all of it, but some of it)
-one full Mike's
-a shot of Bellringer Gin
-A shot of some alcohol called "Cock" or something like that
-a shot of 1/2 Jose Cuervo and 1/2 Cock (see above)
-about 1/2 of another mikes

now that was all just at the boy's apartment. we all know that my alcohol tolerance abilities are basically non-existent. so if i was smart, i should have stopped there. i was slightly tipsy/ getting drunk at this point, but the full force of it all was yet to hit me. but did i stop there? no. i never stop when i should. so then after a bit of begging and pleading, i convinced the boys to go to Downtown Johnny's with me. (its not like i could have gotten there on my own)

-this is when things went alllllllllllllllll wrong-

by the time we get to the bar, i'm drunk. like, super drunk. the full effects of what i had drank earlier have hit me. i try to go in a locked door, hand my ID to some guy that was just standing outside the bar, and baerly make it in the door. once inside i find the CSD girls and introduce people.

at this point, things get really fuzzy in my memory. it was dark in the bar. it was smoky. i was trashy. i know i had at least 3 more shots, bought by various people. i remember seeing a lot of people that i knew, or thought i knew. i remember not being able to make out peoples faces from a distance, and walking around a lot. i did a lot of stuff i don't remember. i met a boy named Porter, he was from Alaska, he bought me a drink, i kissed him? i fell over a few times. i got sick there at least once. i lost Team Rocket and panicked, and they were standing about 3 feet away watching me the whole time.

we were there less than an hour. leave the bar, get in the car, i have some VERY angry boys on my hands. go back to the apartment- threw up a LOT in the parking lot, on a car that wasn't mine. i dont know how i got up stairs and into the apartment, but i did it on my own accord. i dont remember much about being inside- apparently i was still throwing up, but wouldn't stay in the bathroom. i got sick in justin's room, thats never a good thing. at some point, i passed out.

waking up in the morning was not so fun. thursday was spent feeling yucky and then as things slowly came back to memory, feeling even worse. apparently i called a lot of people wednesday night, but left messages. needless to say, i did not spend Cinco De Mayo out at the bars. I've not felt the desire to drink, and i actually fear going back out to any bars at this point.

Lessons learned on my 21st birthday:
-i should listen to those around me that care about me and tell me to stop
-i should not drink past my limits
-i should not drink to the point of being sick (this wasn't the first time this has happened)
-when even i, being drunk as i was, realize that i was out of control, there is a really big problem
-i have 2 of the most amamzing friends ever, and i don't appreciate them enough. i'm sorry guys

will i drink again? yes. will i be smarter about it? lets hope so.

2005-04-25T23:49:00.000-07:00

passover support

2005-04-20T18:14:00.000-07:00

this week has been incredibly busy. and yet, incredibly unproductive it seems. and the fun just keeps on coming...

2005-04-13T23:32:00.000-07:00

how many legs do turkeys have? FOUR.

2005-04-03T16:30:00.000-07:00

don't

2005-03-31T23:29:00.000-08:00

dont ask me why i hurt so much. its all because of you. its all because of me. don't tell me what to do. i already know and won't listen to you anyway. don't yell at me. it only makes me more upset. don't point things out that are wrong, i know and if i could fix them, i would. don't exploit my flaws or my insecurities. i do that enough on my own. don't try and figure me out. even i don't know what is going on. don't listen to me. i don't know what i'm talking about.

i want to be anywhere but here. i don't want to be anywhere specific. i want to be at a different point or a different time in my life. right now, i don't feel okay. i'm confused. i'm sad. i'm upset. i'm hateful. i'm quiet. i'm full of feelings and things i want to say, but don't know how to say them. and saying them would change nothing. i want to be someone else, somewhere else, doing something else. not who i am, where i am, and doing what i'm doing.

i wish things were different. i wish i wasn't how i am. i wish i wasn't the way i am. i wish i could fix everything and make it right. i wish i knew what "right" was. i wish i knew what i wanted, and then did whatever it took to make that happen. i wish that you couldn't hurt me the way you do. i wish i didn't let you hurt me. its not you that hurts me actually. its not you at all. its me. so i take that all back. i wish i could go to sleep and wake up and this all be different. in a different place, in a different life, would it all be different? or would it all still be the same- fucked up and complicated? i wish i knew.

and trust me. none of you know what i'm talking about.

2005-03-30T18:37:00.000-08:00

spring quarter. classes seem fine, lots of work but thats expected with 20 credits. been working out this week, i forget how great that makes me feel, so when i start feeling yucky later on in the quarter, someone tell me to go work out.

had an eventful trip across the Cascades on Saturday. 8+ hours to drive about 400 miles= wayyy too long. Sitting between mile marker 77 and 71 for two hours was....long. we made a snowman, read magazines, took a nap and were very bored. yay for crazy spring weather.

the housing search will begin soon, which is exciting.

ummm, RA stuff .... 10 weeks left though, thats all.

allright, i thought i had more to write, or even a point to this, but apparently i dont. back to reading and then duty.

adding fuel to the fire

2005-03-24T20:19:00.000-08:00

the troubles on the blog are back, simialar to the dark times this summer with the Doom Bringer. lets not go there, please? thank you. (and since i said please, that means i get what i want)

update

2005-03-21T23:43:00.000-08:00

first things first- i passed chemistry. with a C-. i know it is not a grade to be proud of. but i really thought i was going to fail. so a C- is much bettter than failing.

i hate wal-mart. hate it hate it hate it. done with that.

been busy with work and trying to take care of things while i'm here at home. dentist and eye Dr. today, oral surgeon tomorrow. regular dr sometime later this week. hair cut too.

its cold here. like, 28 cold.

20.

10 more weeks. thats it.

working retail makes me hate the holidays more than i ever thought possible.

i've been home since saturday and still haven't seen my youngest sister.

so pissed about grades this past quarter. i worked my ass off, and it totally doesn't show in my grades. ugh.

future updates will happen. beware.

2005-03-17T23:33:00.000-08:00

not that i'm counting or anything....

sad to see them go....

2005-03-08T20:20:00.000-08:00

"Say goodnight, but mean goodbye"
Ladies and gentlemen, the rumors are true. After ten years, close to a hundred recorded songs and several trips around the world, The Get Up Kids will be playing their last shows this summer. We're celebrating the release of our as-of-yet-untitled live record and we're coming around one final time. We'll be playing gigs in the west, in the east and in the middle of the US. Our very last show will be in Kansas City, MO (our hometown) Fourth of July weekend 2005. As a group we'd like to thank each and everyone of you for supporting us over the years. Whether we slept on your floor in '97 or you drove all the way to Lawrence to see us play in '05, we are forever grateful. We feel it's best to let the last ten years speak as a document for what the band was. We can look back and say that we are proud of everything that we accomplished. In the end, we will always remember this as a good time; we hope that you remember it that way too.

See you this summer,
The Get Up Kids "

2005-03-01T23:21:00.000-08:00

ha
ha
ha

2005-02-26T12:30:00.000-08:00

2005-02-22T23:29:00.000-08:00

2005-02-02T23:03:00.000-08:00

i cried tonight.

2005-01-30T21:45:00.000-08:00

"There will come a moment in which you must simply make the decision to let go in order to get on with your life. Letting go means making a decision not to be angry, not to be upset, not to hold on to thoughts of unfairness and revenge. Letting go means opening your heart and mind to an explanation that you do not now recognize, may never recognize, but choose to live in recognition of."

one of these days. not today. not tomorrow. but one of these days...

2005-01-24T01:24:00.000-08:00

sometimes life hurts so much, when it really shouldn't. sometimes the smallest things make you feel so great. and sometimes the smallest things hurt the most. and sometimes they happen at the same time. or are the same thing.

last night i had the most amazing thing happen in a dream. it was something really small and i don't really remember the details of the dream. but something happened in it. and i know that i woke up feeling happier this morning than i had in a long time.i do know exactly what it was that made me happy. i dont know if happier is the term i'm looking for. it was just... i dont think i can explain it. but i felt like everything in my life was right.

i'm really really confused right now. and i'm hurting, probably worse than i have in a while. but i'm hiding it. (not very well.) and right now, i'm exposing myself. maybe because i want it to be brought up. or maybe because i'm a drama queen, or emo, or just being stupid. it just fucking hurts right now.

i can't come up with a good title for this one...

2005-01-17T00:02:00.000-08:00

So i went to Spokane this weekend. my original intention was to attend the wedding of a friend from high school. but then i got one of those phone calls. the kind where you know instantly that you don't want to know why the person is calling you becuase its probably not good. so then i had 2 major reasons to go back to spokane for the weekend.

12pm on friday, as i was getting ready to leave, i find out that one of my closest friends has just had a baby. normally,this would be exciting and happy. but the thing is, i've been around this girl the WHOLE time she was pregnant. and she never told anyone of us she was pregnant. she just acted like she wasn't. and apparently we were all too stupid to notice for the last 9 months what was going on. it's not the fact that she didn't tell any of us, or we were just too stupid to notice, its the fact that now she is lieing about everything that makes me upset. she claims she didn't know she was pregnant? EXCUSE ME? she just had a baby 10 months ago. you dont just gain 45 pounds, only in the stomach. you don't show every sign of being pregnant for 9 months, and NOT KNOW. and you don't act like nothing is wrong and put a child's life in danger. no pre-natal care? no proper nutrition or lifestyle changes? we all partied this summer, this friend of mine included. she's smarter than that. she knows better. especially with a baby involved. it makes me sick to think about her actions and what she might have done to this baby. so far the baby seems healthy, and i truly hope that things stay that way. its just not right to do that to a baby, or to the people you call your friends.

so the wedding was an interesting event as well. there were 5 or 6 of us from high school that hang out on a regular basis. and there was the entire counseling/ administration staff from our high school. and family members/ family friends of the couple. and that was about it. the mother of the bride worked at our high school, hence why all the administrators were there. but there is just something not right about seeing your vice principal drunk, or having a counselor try and buy you a drink. but we ate great food, danced for a really long time, and had a lot of fun. the boys managed to get home with the ice sculpture which was quite the sight.(what else was going to be done with it? at least now its in a backyard, being preserved) afterwards there was a small get together, involving more drinking, lots of laughter and the usual drunk dialing.it was a good night overall.

the drive back took way too long, as usual. this time it was due to snow/rain/slush and bad drivers over the pass. but now i'm back, and i should be doing homework. but i'm not. i should be doing a lot of things. but i'm not. i feel like i have a lot of updating for the blog. perhaps there will be more to come later on...

thats how i think of 2004; a disapproving head shake, with a smile on my face

2004-12-30T15:37:00.000-08:00

2004. i never would have guessed what this year was going to hold in store for me. there were some major events, a lot of tears, a few injuries and a lot of fun. i learned more about myself last year than i had in a long time.

2004 was about leaving my comfort zone. when nathan and i broke up, my life as i knew it was turned upside down. i never thought that i would cry so much, or be that upset, but i was and i did. we'd been fighting for months and had talked about breaking up, but in that moment when it actually happened, the impossible became reality. i spent about 3 weeks crying, disbelieving, doubting myself and hurting. then one morning i woke up and felt okay again.

Not much else about me changed in 2004, other than being single. I'm still the same jealous, bitchy, controlling, bossy and self-concious person i have been for years. I still don't eat right, don't keep my promises and don't sleep enough among other things. But i am a stronger person now. i know more about my limits emotionally and mentally. i'm starting to have more of those moments in life that change who you are forever.
2004 also brought the first visit with my dad in 2 years, a new car, a tattoo, a new hair color, a few drunken nights of fun, a job rejection, new friends and a new outlook on life.

Over the past year i wrote a lot of stuff, in this blog and in other places. While the writing may seem stupid or meaningless, to me it matters. Never before have i been able to write out my thoughts or feelings and be ok with seeing them written out. i usually hate what i write and get rid of it. but this past year i not only wrote things out, i shared them with other people. though at times this has been really hard, its been helpful. it hurts to read some of the things i wrote over the past year, knowing how i felt when they were going on in my life. but that hurt is part of the healing process. and healing is part of moving on. and moving on is something i did a lot of in 2004. something that i've needed to do for a long time, and am finally doing.

So what do i want to do differently in 2005? I don't know if you'd call them resolutions, or just things i want to do and do differently. but the main things are
1) be less bitchy/ bitch less/ whine less
2) be better to my self- eat right,sleep more, study more, stress less, avoid inuries, be less critical of myself.
3) have fun

so...big events for 2005:
-i turn 21
-best friend gets married in july
-i get actual health insurance again
-i'm moving off campus!
- working on the details of next year's employment options... hopefully going to be something good.
-possible trips to either texas or california. hopefully some camping this summer also

thats it from me, for now.

i'm too awake too sleep

2004-12-22T01:13:00.000-08:00

do you ever get to that point, where you should be tired, and should be asleep, but you just can't sleep? thats the point i'm at. right now i have 2 songs stuck in my head (0nly small portions of them), and noise from work just keeps repeating over and over. i know that i am tired but my head is too noisy to sleep. wow. that makes me sound like a total nutcase. maybe i am. i'm sure there are those of you out there that would agree to this.

so its about 3 days until christmas. that means i have about 2 days to shop. holy shit i'm screwed. i still have to get my stepdad, marley and mom finished up. not to mention i didn't get anything for anyone here in spokane. but they are all angering me currently, so thats ok. maybe i'll get up early tomorrow and shop before i go to work. oh wait, its 1am and i'm still awake. there will be no getting up early tomorrow. no thank you.

the cold of winter has descended upon spokane lately. i had forgotten what it was like to have to warm up your car, not just for heat, but so that it will actually run. and then in the time that it is warming up, scraping the ice off the car is always a fun thing. but luckily we haven't gotten any snow since i've been home, which is good becuase i do not want to drive in the snow without snow tires. i did that last year, it was trouble. the icy roads are challenge enough, never really knowing when you are going to slide out, or in my case, almost die. (stupid friends that can't drive)

other news... grades turned out well last quarter. next quarter will be a challenge, with 18 credits (plus the library class). hopefully i can get my chem lab switched so that i don't have a lab at 8am on fridays. we will see how that goes. RA stuff is going to suck the life out of me next quarter. I'm on duty 3 of the 4 weekends in February (one of which being the long weekend), not to mention i have to be on campus the first weekend and the last weekend of the quarter. that is a bit too much if you ask me. i miss having a big staff and having a LOT less duty weekends. i miss lots of things about Beta-Gamma actually. but not really the duty rounds there. i do enjoy going on rounds indoors, and not having to deal with all the conduct situations.

life is pretty good overall. i'm still tired all the time, and kinda swollen and achy, which is not fun. i don't know what my sickness is, and no, i haven't gone in to take the mono test, i've been too busy. its hard when i work 10+ hours a day to find time to get to a doctor. but if i get sick enough, i'll stop complaining and figure it out. things at home are good, i don't really ever see my family enough to bitch about them at the moment.

future posts include a yearly wrap-up, and maybe other fun stuff. who knows.

things in life...

2004-12-16T21:53:00.000-08:00

that i strongly dislike:
my job (sometimes, both of them)
fog
ignorant people
most of my co-workers
being sick
change for the worse in people
being apart from friends
being sick
my job
being lonely
being forgotten
losing pictures
being late
wal-mart
being dependent on others
lies
liars
being lied to
incompentence
fast food
a lot of other things

this bit of negativity was brought to you, from me.
you are welcome.

2004-12-11T01:13:00.000-08:00

ohhhhhh no. this is bad. i'm in trouble. woooooooooooooo! hahhahahahahahahaah. team rocket hates nme right noqw. look for pcituer updase soojn. im not sloppy. i fixed that,. hahahahhahahaah. time to play mario kart. i do NT lie chisea no i would nto do chae. noever . ewwwwwwwwwww. no he did nto. he wa s a prude. no, he was a bpters no it woul dhave hurtl nathan is a mean person. yukc. no his is not my tepes. she is slopppppppppt. y. sje s o s mpt , ,y tpe[s pf girls. home rowwwww. wooooooooooooooooooooooo. i would not do any grisl. nope. you dint wnat me to tpey that. j nope
mp[e
no thank you.
nope
ewwwwwwwwww
hes a fckeytarl d you hatve 2 nahlesgesgse. wwow jonn! thos are mine whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. hlel yes. those wil be ehlesp fl tomowwo. where comes the boooooozs. i'm not dlooze.y just havingfn. ohhhh now. this is bad

no jon hates me. jpohn is kinda mean to me. but i do love him a LOrt.

this is gonna be bad news friends. bad news.

it's cold outside tonight

2004-12-07T01:12:00.000-08:00

i dont want to write in here anymore. i think the blog is done forever. we shall see.

2004-11-01T19:18:00.000-08:00

Bobby (on the right) died in Baghdad, Iraq on November 4, 2003. He was only 20. We love you and miss you Bobby!

2004-10-24T01:59:00.000-07:00

2004-10-19T17:09:00.000-07:00

"Cutest Picture of Summerstart 2004" Award

it's taken me forever to find a version of this song to download-and tonight, victory was mine!

2004-10-19T01:08:00.000-07:00

Nothing left to sing about this time
It's over now
The word is out
It hit the polls
Claimed a place among the rest
Of today's new things and
Last night's shows
The have-you-heards
andThe did-you-knows
But I've got my place
Will you be still
And try to keep from buying

But it seems I never get enough of me
Seems I never get enough of me

For a while it seemed that
All things easy came by way
Of people with too much to say
I've already heard
And I've already made
An effort to ensure this fine
Is worthy of a place in line
With the latest thing as
You see fitI just keep on whining

Though it seems I never get enough of me
Seems I never get enough of me

2004-10-16T13:43:00.000-07:00

Life is not about holding on. Life is not about doing what will make others believe you are worthy. Nor is it about denying yourself to make others feel better.

Life is about moving through, moving on, growing up and growing through each and every experience.

proprioception

2004-10-07T20:35:00.000-07:00

proprioception was my physical therapists favorite word. Charles was his name. and he used to say it just about every other sentence. he told me i had no proprioception and that i really needed to work on it. thats why i would fall, or randomly roll my ankle; my body did not pay attention to where my extremities were, or what they were doing.

i have an insane fear of falling on stairs. or maybe its not falling. it's mis-stepping and i do this a lot, not surprising. i fall up the stairs (yes, it is possible). i also get extremely nervous when walking down stairs mostly towards the bottom 2 or 3. i feel like i'm going to step wrong and end up falling. falling down the stairs would most likely mean another ankle injury. knowing my history, my ankle and i certainly do NOT want to have surgery. lately, my ankle has been hurting again. this happens about every other month. i know that i never let it heal correctly, and thats not good.

i think that proprioception to me means a lot more than just talking about balance. its about knowing who i am and where i am in my life. this is s0mething i've struggled with a lot over the past 10 months. the person i thought i was isn't the person i am now. i still need to figure out who i am and where i'm going and what i'm doing along the way.

luckily i have some of the most amazing friends in the whole world. they help me out in the small and big ways when i need them the most. the little chats, the late nights, the fun times i have make it possible for me to get by through the good times and bad. i'm referring to friends on both sides of the state. the person that i am and the experiences i take with me forever in life are being forever influenced by the people in my life that mean the most to me.

one of these days i'll figure it all out, or it will all figure me out.

2004-10-04T22:24:00.000-07:00

i had something to say here. but now its gone. i really wish it wasn't. hmmm. check back later.

2004-09-29T01:16:00.000-07:00

i'm not going to pretend i have all the answers. but now i know more. and it feels so much bettter. those fears are starting to come out. i'm dealing with them one at a time.

i can't believe this is actually happening.

it's all so surreal. it's all happening so fast.

am i ready to heal and move on? i have no choice anymore. i moved past that tonight. i took that first step a long time ago, and i'm just now taking the second one.

"Each of us must face a moment in our lives called the 'breakdown moment'. This is the time when you must stand toe to toe with the very thing you have tried desperately to avoid. In that moment you will want to find a way around having to do what you are faced with doing. You will do anything, say anything to avoid having to go through what is facing you. You will think this is your weakest moment. You are wrong. What this will be is your strongest moment. In the breakdown moment, the very thing you have feared, resisted and denied will stand before you.It will show you things about yourself that you refused to see or acknowledge. It will push you to the verge of breaking down. In the breakdown moment, your defenses break down. Your excuses fail. In that moment when there is nothing standing between you and the thing you fear the most, you will be forced to step into your greatness, becuase that is what life is demanding of you."

just a thought...

2004-09-27T23:58:00.000-07:00

In all relationships, regardless of their nature, there comes the moment when you understand that there are some things that you will just never understand.

2004-09-25T20:35:00.000-07:00

Saturday sunset as seen from my bay-view room.

2004-09-22T23:21:00.000-07:00

I'm on my feet
I'm on the floor
I'm good to go
All i need is just to hear a song i know
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine
I wanna fall in love tonight

Are you gonna live your life, standing in the back looking around?
Are you going to waste your time?
Got to make a move or you'll miss out
Someone's gonna ask you what it's all about
Stick around nostalgia won't let you down
Someone's gonna ask you what it's all about

What are you going to have to say for yourself?

2004-09-16T01:44:00.000-07:00

there is a part of me that wants to delete this blog. all of it. i just want it to go away. i don't know why.but i just don't want to see it, or know it even exists. but i just spent a while reading over my old posts, and i just can't bring myself to do it. the blog shows what i went through . and for now, i think i'll keep it around...

so long sweet summer

2004-09-06T20:12:00.000-07:00

So here it is. My last post of the summer. Overall it was a really low-key summer. No major disasters in my life. No new love interests. But i had a hell of a lot of fun. I spent time with my best friends. We laughed and cried together, shopped, drank, taught a baby how to walk and talk, and watched a lot of movies. I worked too much and complained a lot. I drove across the state a few times.

Most importantly this summer I overcame my fears. Not all of them. Not even a few of them. Actually just one of them. I survived and I never thought that would be possible.

I'm excited about this upcoming year. Not excited about some aspects of it, but i'm sure that it will all turn out to be fine.

The cars (yes, it takes 2) are packed. The room is empty. I'm saying my good-byes tonight. But its not goodbye. because goodbye is forever. this is more like a "see you in 2 months at thanksgiving"

thank you for an amazing summer, those of you that were a part of it. If you need to get a hold of me in the next few days, call my cell.

weird night

2004-09-03T00:21:00.000-07:00

So i went and saw Garden State tonight. good movie, i actually cried during it. yeah, i'm one of those girls. but you all know that by now eh? I also ran into a few old neighbors who neither of which recognized me, but instead said hi to my sister... it was strange. they said she looks exactly the same, and i look a lot different now. what the hell does that mean?

ok so i have something to address here. i want to make it know that i dont care who you are or who the multiples of you out there are, but what you are writing in your comments is not ok. i know thats the big joke with me "NOT OKAY" or whatever. but stop. i dont care if its just something stupid written online. it fucking matters to me. so fucking stop. i dont know who you are, since i'm going to rule out a few people giving them the benefit of my doubt and the trust of friendship that they know how words hurt me and that they wouldnt do that to me. so please stop, whoever you are out there.

so much to say, so little to write

2004-08-29T19:58:00.000-07:00

i have a lot to say, so i'm just going to get started. this is going to be in the random mindy fashion, so if it doesnt make sense, too bad.

- the comments are not gone, just not being shown. the shit being said was just that, shit. i dont know who is posting and acting like other people, and i dont care to have the fighting going on. so comment away, but when it comes down to it, i will be the decision maker on when the comments get to be shown again. i wont be editing any of them , but i guess you could still call it censoring.(as previously mentioned)

-do you want g-mail? it's pretty cool. 1000 mb of storage. i have free invites. www.google.com/gmail read about it. let me know if you want in.

-i almost rolled my ankle last night. WALKING ON SOLID GROUND.(and yes, i was sober) i'm doomed. thats all i have to say for myself. that and i'm pathetic.

-only 3 more days left at wal-mart for the summer. yay for that.

-i'm moving back to bellingham for RA fall training on September 7th. i'll be in training for about 2 weeks straight from 7am till about 11pm. its loads of fun. if you want to to get in touch with me or save me from going insane, call me on my cell or e-mail me. or whatever.

ummm, thats about it. stop the fighting. i am going to say that i'm not dragging anyone into anything. i'm just letting it all drop. the drama is just too much.

i didn't want to have to do it

2004-08-25T21:31:00.000-07:00

but i did. it got out of hand. too much was happening as the result. so now its over. and i'm back to being the emo, moody bitch that i am. its so weird how fast i can change moods. like right now, i just want to cry. there are reasons. but other than when i was drunk crying, i can't remember the last time i did cry. it must have been at the beginning of the summer. but i just don't feel good tonight. my body is tired. my head hurts. this fucking ankle will not stop hurting. i just need a hug at this point. i need a best friend that will sit down and just let me bitch about everything.

but right now is not a good time for that. see, we are planning my best friend's wedding, and so i'm going to not be selfish, and i'm going to put on my happy face and have as much fun as i can. i'm missing out on the majority of the planning by going back to school in a few weeks. yay for weddings. when she told me, i cried for her. its going to be fun.

its kinda sad that it had to end up this way. its even more sad that it got to this point.

i've lost control

2004-08-24T23:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Everyone,

As you can all probably tell, I have lost control of my blog. I am not sure how this happened, or to whom exactly I have relenquished the control. But I do have the feeling that I will not be in control of what is written in any of the comments henceforth. I do realize that I have the option to restrict commenting to Blog users or to even take the option away completely, yet I am not going to exercise either of those options. According to someone, that would make me a supporter of the Republicans and all the evil that they stand for. I do not intend on allying myself with them ever.

So, this letter is going to serve two purposes. The first is to serve as a disclaimer that there may be offensive, vulgar and repulsive subjects written about on here, none of which I approve of or endorse.
Secondly, this is a request to any/all the writers of comments of any sort to please do try and keep the obscenity and gross stuff out of my blog and to identify yourself as needed. Please do not post and use someone else's name or anything like that.

I hope that you all keep reading the blog to see where it goes and if you have anything to say, you know how to do it.

Sincerely,
Mindy

2004-08-24T12:29:00.000-07:00

justt a question...where did those specific numbers come from? or do i even really want to know? and last time i checked, there was money involved and that was a "worst case scenario"

and referring back a couple posts...who is my one and only? thats exciting to know i have one of those!

i'm setting myself up for doom here. i can already feel it.

i knew that was going to happen

2004-08-23T21:39:00.000-07:00

ok, so i set myself up for that last round of comments. i know which dumbass was responsible for posting the same thing like, 8 times. annoying? yes. but oh well.

to clear things up.(again)

no, i am not going to date, marry or have children with chase.(ewwww!)

be nice to each other on here. i'm the only one that gets to bitch about people or things.

don't write retarted stuff on here (especially you,chase.) i don't care to try and decode you and your TV show quotes or anything stupid like that. ok?

as for the rest of you, you are keeping me entertained with the comments...but please don't abuse it. ok? thanks.

things on my mind at the moment

2004-08-21T01:10:00.000-07:00

i absolutely love my best friends. i took for granted how much they mean to me. spending a day with them always makes me a much happier person.

my ankle hurts, really bad tonight. i haven't done anything to make it hurt. this is probably not a good sign.

my mom and i have a lot more to talk about these days than we have in my entire life. its kinda cool to be able to sit down and talk with her.

my dad on the other hand, yeah, i'm still avoiding his 5-8 calls a day. that man drives me crazy.

in a month, i'll be starting classes again. that seems like so long, but i know that it will be here before i even know it.

i'm really tired.

last weekend, i drank way too much. but i really didn't, i just got really drunk somehow. lets just say i learned my lesson and that won't be happening again.

i get paid 2 times next week. that will be fun.

there are some really random comments being made on my blog lately...

Rocky Votolato is NOT 19, contrary to the rumor i heard earlier this summer.

i had another one of those dreams involving tattoos last night. i haven't had one of those in a few months.

i finished all 5 of the Harry Potter books finally. now i'm going to see if i can get the DaVinci Code read before i head back to school.

i need to find some new bands to listen to. my music is quickly growing old and boring.

i've got a goal in mind for this next year. and this time, its going to become reality. i swear it will.

2004-08-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

you don't even want to know...

i will survive

2004-08-10T18:43:00.000-07:00

i got the official word today. it was not what i wanted to hear.

its okay though. things will be a lot less stressfull this way in the short and long term. and i'll figure it all out a lot sooner now. so that big huge question that has been looming forever is now answered. i was sad, still am, but i'll get over it. i've got no choice.

in other news. i'll be in bellingham again this week. probably staying until sunday. you know how to get in touch with me....

still no word yet

2004-08-10T00:09:00.000-07:00

sometimes you have to be brave-

and let things fall where they will

it's not yours to decide how this night will be.

sometimes you have to be brave enough to stop the worrying that keeps you further from the place you're heading...

the obligatory update

2004-08-01T01:32:00.000-07:00

so today was a busy day. it was a fun day. now, it is a long day, and i am tired. quick update....

i will be in bellingham working at WWU for the next week and a half. if you want to hang out or get a hold of me for any reason at all, CALL ME! i won't have much access to computers, so the best way to get in contact is to call.

360-961-0239

i'm sorry. thats all.

2004-07-27T00:23:00.000-07:00

i said i had a game plan, or at least i was going to come up with one. well i did. and it failed. i tried. i failed. i'll admit it. i can't win this battle. and i'm not sure if i even want to. actually, no. i don't want to win. there is nothing to "win". its a matter of a friendship, that i thought existed, but i was wrong. i am still sorry for the wrongs i did, and i know that doesn't matter. but i have learned about myself and will take away a lot from the experience.

you can't hurt me anymore.

its not going to work.

this post is directed at more than one person. there is one person that will read it and know it is about them. there is another that will read it and probably wonder if it is about them. it is.

an eventful night

2004-07-24T22:34:00.000-07:00

so last night at the lake....where to even start. it was fun. i drank a lot. probably too much, but thats ok. it was really fun. today, broken boat, sunburns and recounting the previous night, along with lots of swimming. as i remember things, and recover from the sunburn and we get pictures back, they will all be posted.

in other news... one more week of wal-mart, then its off to bellingham for Summerstart. I'm really excited for that.

for now, i'm headed to bed. I've got Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix to finish. oh wait, i'm on page 65...i have a LOT more reading to do.

(this new colored font stuff rocks!)

summer readings of a true nerd

2004-07-19T21:35:00.000-07:00

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is my favorite out of the series, as of yet. Next up, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

happiness is....

2004-07-13T23:51:00.000-07:00

-hanging out with old friends
-getting into a movie for free
-a good, hard workout
-singing really loud in your car
-laughing till your sides hurt
-finishing your best friend's sentences
-talking to someone for the first time in a while
-getting to sleep in
-doing something nice for someone else
-buying a new shirt and knowing it looks good
-painting your toes a cute color
-having fun doing nothing
-inside jokes from 8th grade
-smiling for no real reason
-feeling good about yourself
-learning to accept some things that just can't be changed
-making sense out of something that seemed really confusing
-hearing a crazy rumor about a musician (and still not knowing the truth)
-Harry Potter
-thunderstorms
-sunshine
-making a wish on a star
-flip-flops
-being okay with your own body
-having plans for a saturday night
-getting paid
-swimming
-going to a good concert
-being single and being okay with that
-road trips to the other side of the state
-late night food runs
-video games and movie nights
-pillow fights
-breaking the rules
-stepping out of a comfort zone
-crying so hard it hurts, and then moving on

yup. so i'm a nerd. and this is what i was thinking about tonight. needless to say (but i'm going to say it anyway) i'm in a good mood. like, a different kind of good mood. one that hasn't been around in a while...